First day at Uni...

So today as my first day at Uni.

Scary. Strange. Exciting.

I feel so much more in control than the first time around when I was a mere fledgling straight out of high school. The fears are still there, but I am managing them. I won't let them manage me this time.

If I don't make friends - who cares, I am here to get that commerce degree...

If I can't figure out the library, on-line stuff (and its all on-line now) and how to get the laptop to log onto the wireless network - I won't sit in silence, I will ask...

If I don't understand the lesson - I won't make myself feel stupid, I will ask for help...

I guess this time around, I don't care if others think I am weird or strange or lacking in intelligence. Because I know that I am all of those things and then some and perhaps less.

I am not going to worry about fitting in and not standing out. Its been a long road but I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and I may not love myself yet but there are days when I look in the mirror and think, she ain't half bad and I can smile at my reflection.

But this, my first post in many many years, was mostly to myself. I know others will read it perhaps and wonder who I am, was - will they remember me? But this is for me.

I had my first day and the world didn't end.
I made a friend and had someone to sit next to in my first lecture and the world didn't end.
I had no-one to sit next to in my second lecture, so I sat by myself and the world didn't end.
I put up my hand and asked a question, in front of 150 other students and the world didn't end.
I tried to log onto the GU wireless network and I failed, and the world didn't end.

The world didn't end...

It could have, if I let it. And I didn't.

The sun is peaking out from behind the storm clouds of my mind.

It's going to be ok.

I will survive this. In fact, I will conquer this.

Brave words.

Only time will tell.

Hugs to all.

Koula
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so tired, but so happy

Okay, I just knew this would happen!!!

I was up all night on the net - on YouTube to be exact... I know, its just sad but its sooooo addictive!!! I only got off it at 6.10 am cause I had a gym session at 6.30 and had to motor to make it on time. But I have had no sleep, its nearing end of month, there is a tonn of work to do at work and all I can think about is how cool all those Final Fantasy video clips were...

And if that wasn't bad enough, I then spent an hour or so looking at Sailor Moon video clips,etc. Which reminds me that I was going to lend Fi my Sailor Moon collection (All 5 season and the movies) once I had finished watching them. Well I have finished Season 1, 2 and 3, so I guess the question is would she like to get them all at once? Or a bit at a time. I believe that some of you guys are coming up for Gencon so I can always send them down then or earlier if you would like (we have a good courier service at my work).

But I digress, I am lamenting on the addictive quality of having internet access from home...

ITS SOOOOOO COOL!!!

Gotta dash, need to be at work by 8.30. :-)

new computer

So the new computer was installed today. Hooray!
The new media centre goes in tomorrow night. Yippee!
And I got my DSLite on Friday. Woohoo!

Yep, I have got meself some new toys and now I have to learn how to use them... :-)

Rhys (IT-Wizz who built my machines) was trying to install everything while a little war was happening in the background. My mother and two brothers were over for dinner and a chat. Now anyone who knows me really well, knows of the blood fued that is between my two brothers, so why they were within spitting distance of each other, is still a mystery to me. But they were and well, I guess my neighbours got some free entertainment. But I digress, the reason for bringing the family thing up, is that it meant Rhys did't get a chance to show me how to use the new PC and so I also don't know my new email address.

I guess, its a good thing that he is coming over tomorrow to install the media centre and show me how to use them. Funny little Rhys said I could play with the computer and everything because "its not like I can screw it up that much in one day...".

Sheesh! No faith.

Anyway, this means I have internet access from home and can spend copious amounts of time on-line speaking to you all and catching up. I would like to say that it means I will be more active in posting but well, it's probably not going to happen. Just being honest!

Anyway, have a great night all.

Koula
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sadness

Its been a hellish weekend. My Grandma died on Friday afternoon. I was named after her and I used to spend alot of time with her. She called me her "kooklitsa" which means 'little doll'. She taught me so many things and as a child I loved just being with her.

And now, I won't see her ever again. And besides not knowing how to feel and what I should be doing, its been ok, I think. I had a 5 min cry to my best friend Ali on the phone just after I found out and then have remained dry as a whistle ever since. There is something wrong with me.

I feel numb and cold.

I could use a hug right now but I don't want anyone near me and I keep pushing those who try to show they care away.

I am just so cold.

new poem

Innocence Dead

Thoughts tumbling and crashing
Her fragile mind engulfed in pain
By words from your lips spoken
Her fledgling hopes brutally slain

Your eyes, ice-cold daggers
Shooting straight to her heart
A cruel, indifferent rejection
Of pure love now blown apart

Your heart, an unyielding fortress
Lost in a landscape of barren fears
Discarded, diseased and abandoned
Untouched by her ocean of tears

Your hands, steel iron bands
Rejecting her grasping pleas
Ignoring the fallen figure
Shaking, trembling on her knees

Shamed and humbled, now she rises
Shoulders slumped and spirits low
A lesson learned, she strives on forward
Innoncence dead... your final blow

Too Late

Too Late

How is it that I am unable to see
Beyond what I know
Beyond you and me

I cry for a past too long left alone
The tears, the heartache
Your actions, my own

Our paths now divergent, no longer as one
Too late now I seek you
Our bond come undone

Crying your name, I wait for you still
Bereft of all hope
Bereft of all will

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let me know what you think?

K.
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A New Interest, more of a mild obsession...

I recently got loaned some anime from a work mate who included a couple of other disks. Once I have finised the anime, I chucked in the other disks and have been hooked ever since. Its pretty sad and I have been the butt of family jokes for weeks now but I have become mildy obsessed with Korean drama!

It started with Winter Sonata which despite being over 22 hours long and required at least 3 boxes of tissues (I cried for like that last 5 hours of it!!), was so engrossing, that I had to see more. I once explained a synopsis of this to my 2 best buds, Ali and Heather, and the explanation took over an hour cause there were so many cool bits that just had to be included. Of course there were so many cool bits, it spanned over 10 years of the protagonists lives and then some!! There was love, hate, deceit, betrayal, death, bitching, misunderstanding, sweetness, a beach montage, breaking up and making up, lots of goodbyes, teary and heart-wrenching goodbyes, teenage angst, adult angst, cool clothing, a somewhat happy ending, and a hot male lead... And that's just what I can remember!

Anyway, I stupidly asked for more after this one and got given Delightful Girl Choon-Hyang (also known as Sassy Girl Chun Hyang) which was only 16 hours of fun, fun, fun!! I mean, imagine a comedy of errors that results in you having to marry the new guy at school... Okay so he's cute, has a killer wardrobe and a smile that charms your socks off, but still its got to be hard to be a teenager in highschool, getting good grades and hanging with your friends to suddenly find yourself married... Yep its gotta suck... Its sucked so much, I am having a killer of a time trying to find a copy to purchase! (just so you know, I have now watched over 100 hours of Kdrama and this one is my fav!!)

I follwed this one up with An Autumn Tale which is on the same lines of A Winter Sonata. Turns out these ones are part of a trilogy, the third one being a Summer something. The stories have nothing in common despite being able to put the viewer through an emotional wringer so tumbly, you come out the other end looking like the aftermath of a serious flu virus! I know I did. Oh god and Autumn Tale had such a sad ending... I am known to rant and rave and curse the gods (and eventually rewrite the ending...) for stuff that has a sad, horrible ending and this was no exception. Major tissue warning on that one!

Which brings me to the one I just finished on the weekend while waiting for a call from work - Full House. This one is more of a romantic comedy I guess. I am sure we can all find the humour in finding our house has been sold by our closest friends so they could cover their debts after coming back from a nightmare holiday they send you on!! Oh and then you become the housekeeper for the guy who bought your house, you marry him despite his being in love with someone else, you fall in love with him yourself even though there is a great guy on the sidelines just dying to get your attention... Yep pretty standard stuff, happens all the time... Somewhere, I guess ;-)

So why have I just spent oh so much time typing all this out? Well...
1. I am bored
2. I am procrastinating
3. Did I mention I am bored and procrastinating at work
4. I would like to get my hands on more and need help finding it

I guess there are places to download this stuff but my computer is a no-go on this and I don't have internet access at home, so I really need to find places to buy it (despite my limited funds at the moment...)

Any suggestions, would be great! You know on what to watch, where to find it, that sort of thing. And who knows, there may be another closet fan out there to whom I can talk about this stuff!! Let me know.

K.

Another long lonely night at work...

So checked out my previous post os so many months ago and gotta say I am no longer liking the pink format of my LJ. Its just so... PINK! I also spent around 30 mins trying to upload a picture to have it fail 4 times. Argh!!!

When I get this figured out, I can finally show you guys what my nephew looks like! I have taken to calling him 'Buddy' which pisses his Grandma off royally. Did I mention that he is now just over 3 months old? Oh and did I mention that he tends to fall asleep while I hold him? I don't know what it is, but give him 5 mins with me and he is in baby-dream-land. Now I know that I ain't the most scintillating of conversationalist but this is just insulting... :-)

Oh and I had him in stitches last weekend!! He normally he only giggles for his Mum and Grandpa but I managed to get him smiling and cooing at me. I'd like to say it was with me but he really did find my version of peak-a-boo funny! And then when I tried to expand his little horizons by teaching him the words for Mum and Dad in Korean, well he found it hilarious and was goo-goo-ga-ga-ing back at me.

Oh gosh, I have done it again... Even alone, I go on and on about my little buddy. I think people have heard enough about Yianni from me. But he is one of my favourite topics at the moment...

Babies, babies and more babies...

Its a Boy!!!

At Arc, a few people may have noticed my preoccupation with calling home every day to find out if my sister had popped. Well, she did finally, the day after we got back into Bne. She waited, bless her. Okay, its not like she had much choice as the bub just liked it too much in there. :-)

She had to be induced and after 24 hours of labour with no result, the doc's decided to do a cesaerean. And so on the 31st of Jan at 8.55am my nephew was born!!! He weighed 11pounds and 2ounces - a whopping 5.082kg and was 57cm long. He had the most thickest black wavy hair and eyebrows (yes, 2 of them...) and the cutest little pouty mouth and nose which he got from his Mama. Unfortunately, he got his Dad's ears... :-)

There was some drama with my sister meaning she had to spend the entire day in recovery and have 2 blood transfusions!! We were very worried but she pulled through ok and was able to come home on Sunday (4th Feb).

They hadn't picked out a boys name as yet and so waited to see him before deciding. And once they did, they realised he looked so much like our Dad that he just had to be named after him. So the little angel is called:

Yianni Jason Clarke

Yianni after his Grandfather
Jason after his own Dad (Russell's middle name and christening name)

I gotta say my dad is just stoked!!! He held him for the first time and had tears those laughter tears in his eyes and it was so cute!! And then they told him that the baby was named after him and he cried for real. Yianni is the first grandchild for my parents and he is going to be plenty spoilt!!

So that makes me Auntie Koula!! But that's not all. My sister and her husband have asked me his Godmother too and I am just so happy. I got to hold him for a couple of hours on Sunday as he slept and he is so soft and warm and he has that baby-soft smell. Yep, I know I am clucky but its just not the right time, I guess for me. Besides you kinda need a man for that part and there is no-one on the horizen at the moment. One day it will happen, I have faith!!

Anyway, Trav's just called so signing off. Peace out.

Koula
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